Snack Beach Scandal
Thursday, July 11th, 2024
SNACK BEACH circa 2:00pm—Today’s post-lunch perambulation has lead me to a tranquil corner of Downtown Camp, resplendent with a green grass carpet and plenty of natural tree shade; an oasis of salt, sugar, and carbonation; the irresistible, irreplaceable Snack Beach. Every day campers receive here a small dose of artificial happiness, known as ‘store order,’ usually in the form of chips, candy or Camp’s preferred soda brand, Izze. As recently as 2012, this store order was delivered directly into tipis, though this practice was phased out to discourage critter visitors. And so Snack Beach stands guard, a stoic martyr, receiver of crumbs and the animals that seek them.
“Every day the Teen Staff asks about store order, and then after lunch they bring it out in crates,” explains Emma, 11, of the Yellow Tipi, hands covered in a bright orange layer of Cheeto dust. “You have to eat it in Snack Beach because of raccoons I guess. I haven’t seen one but it’s only my first year. My advice is to get here early so you can get the soda flavor you like. The food in the kitchen is healthy so it’s fun to have some unhealthy snacks every once in a while.”
I jump in the passing Lake Shuttle and continue my interviews with a co-rider. We shout to be heard over the blasting cumbia.
“Everybody wants candy, but you shouldn’t have it all the time,” yells Theo, 15, of the Red Tipi. “That’s why Snack Beach is great because it’s just one time a day. Viva Snack Beach!”
…
LAKE VERONICA circa 3:00pm—Freshly emerged from the lake I give my face and hands a cursory drying so as to interface with my notebook. Sitting at a small picnic table laden with water bottles, sunscreen and a large, yellow water cooler, I inquire an off-duty lifeguard for his professional opinion on the non-aquatic beach in question.
“People only really go there when there’s snack, and then they ignore it the rest of the day,” says Teen Lifeguard River. “It’s grassy and so it has less dust, but it’s overshadowed by the Big Top and Lower Ring. Also, once the campers clear out it turns into a graveyard of wrappers. I’ve gotta be honest, I think Snack Beach has a lot of untapped potential.”
“My favorite Izze flavor is orange because I like oranges,” chimes in Neo, 12, of the Rainbow Tipi. “I don’t like every orange food though, like squash and yams. My favorite color is red; it’s the first color of the rainbow!”
“I don’t care about keeping animals out of the tipi,” claims Neo. “I love rats and foxes and even skunks. I would hug a skunk. I would keep a rat as a child—not a pet—a child. When I grow up I’m gonna have a rat child and I’m gonna eat snack wherever I want, and the rat will eat snack too. And if I go to a party to drink apple juice, the rat will be my drinking buddy.”
The sound of driving cumbia alerts me to the Lake Shuttle’s proximity. I quickly re-shoe and hail a ride.
…
CAMP STORE circa 3:45pm—A forest green box car constitutes Camp’s store order storage. Here I find three land-locked teenagers half-heartedly engaged in product organizing. Scribbled sharpie markings on the inside walls of the store commemorate teen store workers of the past. A large fan serves as a critical lifeline in the otherwise sweltering, sunbaked metal box. I ask for a behind-the-scenes explanation of the infrastructure that makes Snack Beach possible.
“Essentially the first step is handing out the store order forms,” explains Teen Staff Clay. “Then the teen staff for each tipi takes the orders. This session the candy supply chain broke down, but I’m hoping it will come back soon. Every morning Beau and I crunch the numbers to deduct from each camper’s balance. I’m known for filling out cards in record time. Then after lunch we doll out the goods in these milk crates. The other teen staff line up here at two-o-clock and bring the snacks to the kids at Snack Beach.”
Teen Staff Cori pauses saying “ahhhhhh” into the running fan to offer her outlook.
“Some campers are thieves and some are sharing,” she observes. “Some change their mind on what they wanted and then blame the teen staff. Snack Beach is a very lively scene because the stakes are so high (shout out to Gold Tipi for being so polite and orderly). If you miss your store order you might have to wait for a whole half hour until regular snack is delivered!”
She resumes saying “ahhhhhh” into the running fan.
“It’s a strange system, but it makes a lot of people hang out,” says Teen Staff Ian. “I work mainly at the Nurses’ Dome, so Snack Beach is the most time I get to spend with my campers. In the end, snacks are about bringing people together.”
…
ART GROVE circa 4:30pm—A misprint of canvas tote bags has led me to the Art Grove to salvage components of the design to be sold as patches. I am surrounded by like-minded crafters who are happy to pass the afternoon making something precious and semi-useful. Random counselors too are drawn to the chill vibes and shaded seating. I put the question to my table-mates, eager to understand the true meaning of Snack Beach, and it’s implications on society as a whole.
“Don’t get me wrong, I used to be a candy connoisseur,” says Clowning Instructor Riley Soloner. “I was a chip fanatic; I was a genuine soda man! It does, however, amuse me to see all these kids waiting around for unnatural food right after lunch. I don’t know—maybe I’m just a grumpy old man—but I think they should all be eating carrot sticks and ice cubes!”
“There’s a lot of arguing,” says Sasha, 12, of the Rainbow Tipi. “People want their snack and they get hangry. My favorite flavor of Izze is green apple, obviously. If you’ve never been there before, just know it’s going to get chaotic, but you’ll get the hang of it.”
“The platform is nice for variety,” says Weston, 10, of the Sky Blue Tipi about the deck adjoining the Stilt Shed. “It’s really nice and shady. There’s also a row of stumps, and you can even rotate around to Lower Ring if you’re feeling adventurous. I’m making a bracelet that says “FIRE IN THE HOLE”, which is a meme from the Geometry Dash video game. Snack Beach is easier than easy difficulty, it’s ‘auto’, no skill required. Auto levels are relaxing. I approve.”
“I will say, it is very hot in that store,” says the aforementioned Beau, who happens to be walking by the Art Grove. “People think doing math and playing with cards is easy, but it’s not easy in this heat. One good thing about this gig is the flexibility though. Once we pass out the crates, we basically have the afternoon off. Having no candy is a bummer, but at least the chips and Izze’s are moving. It’s nice to feel important.”
…
TIPI CIRCLE circa 5:45pm—The conch has blown, signaling the end of free time, and yet I feel I have barely scratched the surface. It seems as though every answer just leads to more questions, and no one’s willing to tell the truth. Unsure where to go next, I seek the sage counsel of Poetry Instructor Zora Skelton while she waits for her campers to arrive.
“Snack Beach is total anarchy; I avert my eyes,” says Zora. “All these hippy kids are used to sugar-free, organic granola flax. The very idea of a Cool Ranch Dorito is enough to turn a young child raised in Arcata, California into a rabid rabbit! The whole area should be bulldozed and turned into a turnip farm. Now that’s dessert! Have you ever had a turnip in July? Nothing sweeter.”
Stay hydrated,
—J. Payseno, Editor